leave it up to you
by KismetDoll
Summary: [Squeifer] It had been three years since Seifer Almasy had escaped from Ultimecia's Castle. However, in those three years, his mentality and sanity had been virtually shattered. He was not Seifer Almasy, he was known only as the ‘Sorceress' Knight'.
1. First apperances

Title: ...leave it up to you...  
Series: Final Fantasy VIII  
Author: ConfessYourSins  
Rating: R  
Main Characters: Seifer, Tamiel, Squall  
Other Characters: Quistis, Zell, Selphie, Irvine, Rinoa  
Warnings: Angst, yaoi, original character  
Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy VIII or any of its characters. They are property of Squaresoft and other parties. I do own Tamiel, however. Please don't sue me, etc, etc, etc. 

**...leave it up to you...**

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**Prologue : First appearances**

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It had been three years since Seifer Almasy had escaped from Ultimecia's Castle. However, in those three years, his mentality and sanity had been virtually shattered. He was not Seifer Almasy - he was known only as the 'Sorceress' Knight'.

Time and time again he had tried to face his past - the terrible things he did, half consciously and half not - but he just could not. He had gotten so close so many times, but he would always fall short and try to hide himself once again from everything - everyone - that he knew.

Not that the people he knew cared. Zell, Selphie, Irvine, Matron, Cid, Raijin, Fujin, Quistis, Rinoa, and Squall... well, he had not contacted them. For all they knew, he could really be dead. But they had heard of the 'Sorceress' Knight' sightings. Every once in a while he would pop up in Timber, Esthar, Winhill, and the such; his stay was always short-lived, though.

When he showed up in Deling City, incognito, he was shocked at the woman that looked more like a teenage girl who came up to him and asked if he was Seifer Almasy. Not the 'Sorceress' Knight' - she wanted Seifer.

Her hair was straight, spiked, shoulder-length, and cherry wood brown. Fitting well with it were here blazing coal eyes - swirling murky waters of green and black. She had a simple build: not so short, but not tall either; fairly defined muscles and femininely lanky. It was obvious she was not the type to run around with a gunblade in hand, to say the least.

"... Well?" she prodded, a hand on her hip. Her entire body was clad in leather, from the zip-up catsuit to the knee-high boots. "Oh c'mon!" she begged childishly, "I just need an answer."

Seifer thought for a moment, then shook his head. His eyes were bloodshot, his face was weathered, his hair was streaked with dirt - being very unkempt - and he was on the verge of passing out.

"Listen, I don't know who you are or what you want, but you'd best stay away from people like me," he grumbled, brushing past her towards the hotel. The girl, however, followed and kept a smile on her frosted pink lips.

After ten minutes, Seifer began to get uneasy. There was not anything particularly special about her - not her looks, apparent strength, or personality - just something...

"Innocent?" he wondered aloud, stopping and glancing back at the girl behind him. She nodded curtly and put her hands behind her back as though she were waiting for him to give her orders.

"Who... are you..." he trailed off, not quite sure what to make of the strange girl.

"I was wondering when you'd ask!" she exclaimed, her face lighting up. "Name's Tamiel. And of course you're Seifer Almasy. Dare I say... the 'Sorceress' Knight'?"

At that title Seifer flinched ever so slightly. He remembered back to when he had hurt everyone so much: the SeeDs, the students, and most importantly, his friends. At the least, they were acquaintances; that was as close to friends as Seifer got.

Sighing, he shook his head. "Maybe three years ago. Not anymore. Just plain ol' Seifer Almasy. And you should keep your mouth shut about things like that, too."

"Hmm. I suppose. So, why are you in Deling?"

"Just traveling. Why are you so interested?"

Tamiel cocked her head to the side, then smiled even more as though she knew something that Seifer did not. It unnerved him, at the least, and he shifted from one foot to the other. "I'm not, really. I guess... I guess I'm just surprised that you're not back there, with them."

"With who?" Seifer inquired, giving Tamiel a strange look.

Blinking, her face dropped and she looked up at Seifer. "Your... friends... and family." When she got no response from him, she finished, "I'm talking about everyone back in Balamb who cares about you."


	2. Those damned scars again

**...leave it up to you... **

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**Chapter 1 : Those damned scars again**

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_Seifer_

"Shit!" I curse loudly as I sit up in bed, hunched over forward and panting. If I didn't know any better I'd think I was in another gutter or alley. But no, here I am in a nice apartment, with a nice girl who takes care of me.

But why? All I know is that she's a friend of Rinoa's. Someone that I met a long time ago but just don't remember. She said she recognized me by the red cross on my sleeve, but that coat's so ratty and faded that I knew she really meant the gunblade that I carry. Yeah, my baby. She's all I got left.

The door opens and Tamiel walks in, dressed in her pajamas of a loose, gray sweatshirt and matching drawstring pants. She gives me a surprised look, then walks over and sits down at the edge of the bed.

It's been three months since I moved in here. Not that I had a lot to bring, anyway. Still, there's something that I can't put my finger on about this girl. It's almost like she wants something.

"Are you losing your mind?" she asks. I shake my head. Of course not, you little girl. I'm completely sane - at least, as sane as a soap dish. And considering they don't have brains, that's not too good. Damned plastic torture devices.

Sighing, she ruffles my hair and smiles. "You know, running from the past won't ever make things better. Inside you're just going to get eaten away by your pain, anger, and hatred."

My heart almost stops. How is it that when she says things like that, I really listen? I mean, she's just a girl. A teenage girl, at that. No way she's older than me. She looks like she's sixteen, but I know she's nineteen. Reminds me a bit of Rinoa, too. She's got spunk, I'll give her that. But there's also a matureness to her - something Rinoa didn't have.

"... You know, I haven't talked to Rinoa for over a year and a half now. She's been so busy running around, getting over Squall... you know what it's like. When we talked, just after Ultimecia was defeated, she said that no one knew where you were. She said it was like you just disappeared. They all thought you had died.

"I figured you probably had, too. I mean, it's not like we were ever mutual friends, anyway. I had just met you a few times as Rinoa's boy. But I remembered your face. Not the scars, though. Not all those long, puckered scars..." Tamiel touches my wrist lightly and I resist the urge to flinch, this time. So many attempts, so many failed attempts. I don't know how I find the courage to do this to myself. But maybe it's not the courage that pushes me. It's probably just the thought that I won't have to be here anymore, to feel the way that I d--

"--Seifer?"

My attention snaps back to the light frame sitting on the end of my bed. "Uh, yeah?"

"... I want... to show you s-somethi--never mind," she cuts herself off at the end, standing up and shaking her head. "You know, those scars will never go away. You'll have them forever. The key is to find a way to make that pain go away."

She leaves and I stare at the door that she just closed. Damn, how I wish that these marks would either vanish or take me away. But they don't mean a thing - except that I'm weak. I'm arrogant, ignorant, completely self-involved and am wallowing in such self-pity it makes even me sick.

And the thing is, I don't even remember when it all started.


	3. Pain rising

**...leave it up to you...**

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**Chapter 2 : Pain rising**

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_Tamiel_

I jump up onto Aemi's back and she carries me out the front doors of the apartment building and into the street. She has shimmering blue sparkles in her platinum blonde hair and is at least two or three inches taller than me. I don't mind, though; what's important is that she's mine.

"Tamiel, the 'Sorceress's' Knight' is watching us," Aemi points out, turning around and looking to the roof where Seifer was standing. He makes her uneasy, I know, but there's something about him that really makes me believe that he regrets doing so many of the things he did.

I pull my sleeves down a bit since they're going up, then run a hand through Aemi's hair. "Don't worry about 'im. He's a big boy, and he's a good boy. Ai, you'd think he was a--"

"--murder?" Aemi finishes, setting me down and turning around to look at me. "Face it, Tam: he's a cold-hearted killer. Why you let him stay with you is beyond me--"

"--you don't know him!" I insist. I know Seifer can hear me. I get so worked up when I'm around people. I tend to feed off their energy and emotions mentally. Not to sound like a Sorceress or what not - it's just a personality flaw. Really!

"He's changed. He understands now. He's not afraid to admit that he did a lot of bad things--"

"--but just because he apologizes doesn't mean it's okay! He still did those things, and he's still the same person. No matter how you look at it, he brought this upon himself. I can't even believe that you would let him stay with you. And for free, too!"

Aemi's mad now. Mad at herself for being the way she is, mad at me for letting him stay, and mad at Seifer for killing her older sister in one of his rampages. She doesn't understand that he's not the same!

"All that's going to come out of this is just... just... just bad!" she screams, her tanned face flushing. Oh no, not another fight - I hate these. "You're harboring a traitor to this entire world! He tried to bring Ultimecia to power! He tried to kill EVERYONE!"

Stepping back, I put my hands over my ears and close my eyes tightly. "This might seem childish, but I can't hear you. Hear that - I CAN'T HEAR YOU. I CAN'T HEAR YOU I CAN'T HEAR YOU I CAN'T HEAR YOU I CAN'T HEA--"

"--FINE! BE THAT WAY! I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU EITHER! YOU AND THAT FILTHY LITTLE... THAT FILTHY EX-GARDEN MEMBER!" Aemi screeches at the top of her lungs before turning and huffing down the street.

We manage to gain the attention of a few passer-byers, but the only person I'm concerned about at the moment is Seifer. I glance up at the roof and he's still there, standing, watching, that solemn look on his face.

Then again, maybe he's just depressed because it seems like everyone in this whole stupid world hates him. And he's just going to stand there like that and take it all? I don't think so.

Shoving my hands into the front pockets of my denim mini, I sprint into the complex, up the stairs, and onto the roof. Seifer doesn't bother turning around to see who's there - he knows it's me.

I approach him slowly, cautiously. I would hate for him to freak and turn around, slicing my head off with one clean swipe. That would be an awful bitch of a mess to clean up. Hyne, what am I supposed to do?

I place a hand on Seifer's shoulder and I can feel his muscles tense under the white tee. He shifts a bit, then glances at me. "Yeah?"

"Um... Seifer..."

"What is it?" he all but growls. Uh oh, not a good sign. Not a good sign at all.

After a quick moment of consideration, I wrap my arms around him and hug him. He's a bit surprised, but at least this way he can't attack me with that damned gunblade. Those things are dangerous, really.

I remember the story he told me once, about him and Squall training. They both have a scar between their eyes from getting cut by the other's gunblade. Maybe it's a sign, maybe not. Either way, no matter how Seifer puts it, he doesn't hate Squall.

"... What's this for?" he finally asks. I let go of him and sit down; he follows suit. "Any particular reason, or am I just lucky?"

Flashing the dirty-blond a smile, I reply, "Just to let you know that you mean something to me. You mean a lot of things to a lot of people. You just don't know it yet."

He snorts, but I have a feeling he knows it's true. Or maybe he just wishes it were, even though it is. Sometimes he confuses me. I know that I confuse him sometimes, too.

That thought makes me smile a little and he glances at me, probably wondering what's so amusing. "Just accept the fact that there are some things you can't change, but so many more you can," I say, shrugging. "Leave it at that, Seif."

"It's not so simple," Seifer says quietly, his gunblade now in his lap. He runs his finger over the blade carefully, being sure not to cut himself.

I don't understand why he practices with it everyday; there's no one left to fight. Ultimecia's gone, the world is safe, and all he has left is his inner demon. But maybe that's why he trains. He wants to beat the inner demon, but still... the strength of the outside is nothing compared to the inside. He knows that.

Maybe it just makes him feel better?

"... Sometimes, when I dream, I'm with Ultimecia again. I have more than enough power - more than I know what to do with. But, it's not enough. I have everything I ever wanted, but it doesn't mean a thing.

"I wish I knew why that is. I don't know what it is that I need, Tam. I don't think that I'll ever know, either. Maybe it's better like that, not bothering with it."

I shake my head. "You'll always feel empty, Seifer. Unless you do something about it, you're always going to feel like that."

Now Seifer looks at me, emotions swirling in those pretty blue eyes of his. He's vulnerable right now; his emotions are everywhere as he tries to figure out what's wrong with himself.

Nothing's wrong with you, baby. Nothing at all. You just... you're used to it always being something wrong with you and you've believed it for a long time. Maybe you should look around and see that it's not your fault. You're different now, and you have something to offer the world.

... You always have.

He sighs and looks away, then asks quietly, "What is it that I'm missing then, Tam? What do I need to feel like I'm a whole person?"

I stand up and walk towards the door to go inside. "Seifer Almasy, I know you're hurt. And I know that you think everything's your fault, that everyone hates you. But that's not true, and when you understand that, you can begin your search to become a whole person."


	4. Sometimes we all hurt

**...leave it up to you...**

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**Chapter 3 : Sometimes we all hurt**

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_Seifer_

The rain is pouring outside. I can see the beads run down the window in my room. Clouds darken the world and thunder booms as lightning flashes across the sky of gloom. Outside everyone has umbrellas, but they're all black ones. There aren't any of those pesky little kids running around now, not with the lightning. I almost want to see them, splashing in the puddles with their yellow raincoats and multicolored umbrellas. Smiling, laughing - it's comforting.

Tamiel's been in her room all day. I cracked the door open to look in, but she turned away and burried her face back into her pillow. I know she's crying. I know that Aemi broke up with her.

And I know that it's because of me.

I don't remember killing Aemi's sister. I don't really remember killing. Maybe that's why it doesn't bother me so much. But it should. I know it should, but I can't find the heart to let it bother me.

Damn you, Hyne. Damn you for making me this way, for putting everyone through so much because of my faults. Damn you for letting me hurt so many people.

"Why didn't you just let me die... Why didn't you let him kill me that first time?"

"... Because He didn't have the heart to. And neither did Squall."

I turn around and find Tamiel standing there, her eyes red from crying and her face blotchy from the tears streaming down her face. Her eyes swell up again and she falls to her knees, shaking her head. It's now that I notice that for the first time since I met her, she doesn't have long sleeves on.

Up each wrist she has long, white, puckered scars. They're exactly the same as mine. Oh Hyne... she... she...

"No. No no no," I mumble as I get on the floor in front of her and grab her arms. I run my hand over them gently - carefully - and study each one. I can barely see the older ones, but the newer ones...

I'm scared for her. I didn't know. How could I? But I should have. I should have seen them, or noticed, or something. Damn you Hyne; why her? What did she fucking do to deserve these?

"Seifer, listen to me," Tamiel says slowly and very quietly. "No one's life is perfect. Not mine, not theirs, and not yours. But... sometimes we all crack. Under the pressures of everyday life and the trials and tribulations of the world, no one stands a chance. That's why there is family. That's where there are friends. That's why people have each other - so that at their worst, they have someone to turn to. You can't hide forever. You can't run, either. Maybe you need to face your past, Seif. I know that it hurts..."

Tamiel starts to cry hard now. Tears are streaming down her face and falling onto her pants. I... I don't know what to do.

Hyne, I can feel it all so clearly now. The pain, the emptiness... I want to feel something different for a change. I want the world to just disappear and leave me alone. Let everyone just stop living. No one would hurt then. No one would have to feel the way I do.

"I don't... understand..."

Tamiel looks up at me and holds my face with her soft hands. Staring straight into my eyes she finally smiles. This one, however, is one of pain. "Sometimes, Seifer, we all hurt..."


	5. A gift before departure

**...leave it up to you...**

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**Chapter 4 : A gift before departure**

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_Tamiel_

"So where are we going?" I ask happily as Seifer and I walk through the busy streets of Deling City. People are everywhere in their bright colored clothes. Ooh, someone's even got on polka dots!

"I thought those died out a year ago..."

"What?"

I flash a joking smile at Seifer and shrug. "Oh, nothing! Nothing at all, Seifer!"

He gives me a funny look, then shakes his head and continues to navigate for us through the streets.

I wonder where we're going. He said he wanted to show me something, but I don't know what it is. He also said to think of cute names. I wonder why... MAYBE HE GOT SOMEONE PREGNANT AND HE'S GOING TO HAVE A KID!

"Is it a boy or a girl!" I demand, stopping Seifer in the middle of the sea of people. He stares at me in shock and stutters,

"W-what? How did you know what it was?"

I shake my head and frown. "Where's your baby? Who's your wife? WHEN DID SHE GET PREGNANT!"

Seifer blinks for a moment, then bursts out laughing. I don't think I've ever seen him laugh so hard. He takes a deep breath and stands up straight, then smirks and shakes his head. "I'm not having a baby, Tam. No one's pregnant, okay? Are you going to relax now?"

I nod, pouting just a little as we continue to walk. Finally he stops and pulls me into some shop I've never heard of or seen. I look around and see that it's full of pets.

Pets? Why are we in a pet shop?

The owner looks Seifer over uneasily. He probably recognizes him, even though Seifer's stopped wearing that coat. He stopped wearing it a while ago. I mean, it's been seven months since he started living with me.

"Can... can I help you?" the owner asks, walking over to us. Seifer looks at the man and kind of sneers. I poke him in the ribs and he grunts.

"Actually, yeah. I was holding a certain... pet, here. I called on the phone."

"Under what name?"

"Tamiel."

I step on Seifer's foot and give him a 'look'. "Why are you holding things at a pet store under my name!" I demand firmly. He smirks at me and points to the pet store owner who brings something out of the back. I quirk my head to the bit and see that it's a tiny white chicobo.

"Awwww..." I pet the tiny chicobo on the head and smile at it. It's got these huge blue eyes and it's so cute! Oh, I want it so bad! I wonder if it's a girl or a boy... hmm...

I look back up at Seifer and frown a little. "Who's it for?" I ask.

Seifer almost falls over. "IT'S FOR YOU!" he exclaims. I stare at him in shock, then jump up and down and scream happily. The owner hands me the chicobo, but whispers,

"Do you know who your boyfriend is?"

Okay, normally that would bother me. A lot. And I'd get upset and yell and smack the guy. But today, no. Seifer just bought me a pet! And it's a cute little white chicobo.

I stand up straight and firmly say to the owner, "This here is Seifer Almasy. Not the 'Sorceress's Knight' or anything else - just Seifer Almasy. And second, he's not my boyfriend. He's just one of the closest friends I've had for a long time and maybe, just maybe you should look past what he's done and look at who he is now. So there." I stick out my tongue at the end to emphasize my point and the owner just nods.

... I swear, though, that if there weren't those two other customers watching our every move, he would've smiled bigger. Because I know that for a split second, there was a definite smile on that man's face.

"Is it a girl or a boy?" I ask Seifer, holding up my baby chicobo and sticking it in his face.

"Put it down! Put it down!" he says, swatting it away. I hold it closely to me and pout. "Anyway, it's a little girl. And I guess it's kinda cute... kinda."

I smile and cuddle my new pet. "I'm going to name her... Tiara!"

"T-Tiara?" he asks.

"Yeah! I think it's a cute name for my new baby!"

"Whatever..."

I wrinkle my nose and hip-check Seifer. "You're just jealous."

Seifer shrugs and goes up to the owner to pay. He comes back and we head back to our apartment. Once we're back he tells me that we need to talk.

I sit down on the couch, Tiara in my lap, and look up at him with big eyes. He seems serious. I wonder why?

"Well, what's going on?" I ask.

Seifer takes a deep breath, then says, "I'm leaving."


	6. Not enough

**...leave it up to you...**

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**Chapter 5 : Not enough**

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_  
Seifer_

I never got to tell her good-bye. She got up and stared at me, anger in her eyes, then stormed into her room. She heard me leave, but still didn't say anything.

I'm on a train to Winhill now. I think I'm going to take a little relaxing break there, and then maybe... maybe I'll go back to Balamb.

It's hard to believe that even though I've only been gone a few hours, I'm already beginning to miss that kid. Cute little smile and strangely amusing behavior. Hyne, even her pathetic excuses at attempting to cook anything that required more than a microwave or the press of a button I'm kinda missing.

I sigh and watch the scenery pass by my window. It's going to be strange, not having her around. She took care of me through good and bad. Seven months and thirteen days... That's the longest time I've stayed in one place since Balamb Garden.

Groaning, I shake my head and close my eyes. Balamb Garden... Headmaster Cid, Raijin, Fujin, Zell, Quistis, Selphie, Irvine, Rinoa, and...

Squall.

... Yeah, you Squall. The one person at Garden that made me angry. I mean really angry. At first it was just for fun, I guess. You know, since after we left the orphanage and had to leave Matron. Then I started to enjoy it.

Sick and twisted, I know. But I did. I made me feel better knowing that I could make you mad, make you hate me. That was the only power I had over you. You always had everything so good, Squall. You had Ellone. You had your sister. You had all the kids hanging around you the whole time, even though you started to ignore them after a while.

Even when you wouldn't talk at all, they wanted to be with you. Hyne, Quistis wouldn't give up for the longest time until Rinoa came along...

You took her from me, too. You had everything, Squally-boy. Everything that I ever wanted was yours. You were head SeeD with perfect scores and perfect everything else. Me? Well, I was just a bad kid all around. Causin' trouble with my posse, pissing people off... that was me.

You beat me at everything I strived to be. I thought that for once, I could beat you with my gunblade. But even with Ultimecia's power, you were better. You beat me what, three times? Four? I don't know... but you still beat me.

I guess I'll always just be second best... but that shouldn't even matter. I don't know what matters anymore. Not you, not them. Not anyone. I can't care anymore. I'm tired of this. I want to get everything done and over with, now.

The last chance I had I just blew. I left what little hope I had with Tamiel back in Deling.

I guess I'm all alone again...

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A.N.: Don't worry, Squall will be in the story soon enough. Hope you like the story, and feel free to review and leave any feedback, good or bad. More's coming soon!

ConfessYourSins


	7. Missing you

**...leave it up to you...**

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**Chapter 6 : Missing you**

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_Tamiel_

I can't believe this. Here I am, outside Balamb Garden, but I can't even get my stupid phone to work. Oh, wait... here we go!

"Hello? Can you hear me?" I ask. I hear some static, then Rinoa's voice. "I'll see you in a few then." I put my phone away and hurry into Balamb Garden. Rinoa's waiting with a huge grin on her face. She's changed a lot since I last saw her, too.

Her hair's longer and has more blonde in it. Still the same face, only now with some make-up. Instead of her cutesy little girl outfit she's wearing a black miniskirt, a white button-up spaghetti-strap tank top, just-below-the-knee boots, but of course that blue sweater thingy with the angel wings on the back.

She runs over to me and gives me a hug. "I'm so glad to see you!" she exclaims, almost choking me. She finally lets me go and looks me over.

"You're more tan," she points out. "And your hair's lighter."

I shrug. "Yeah, not much."

"Is this the infamous queen of the hot dogs?" a blond boy with a black tattoo on his face asks. Wait... that couldn't be...

"Zell!"

He mocks me and jumps up and down. "Like, oh my Hyne, Tamiel!" I run over and jump into his arms, then mess up his hair.

"How do you like that?" I ask, smirking as he puts me down. He smiles and I can't help but give him a huge grin back. Rinoa rolls her eyes and jokes,

"It's a good thing the cafeteria isn't serving hot dogs today."

"Rinoa!" Zell and I exclaim.

I eventually see everyone again - except for Irvine who's taking care of some things as well as picking up something in Deling - including Squall.

The thing is... he looks strange. A little thin, and it's almost like he has a lack of will to really try anything. His eyes seem so dead now. There was a spark before; that was what Rinoa saw in him.

I nudge Quistis and ask, "How long has he been like that? Not quite depressed but just... really indifferent?"

Quistis bites her lip. "A while. Almost a year now, I guess. He hid it for the first two years, I know. But now... he just doesn't care anymore. He just trains all day for no reason. He doesn't do any SeeD work or teach classes. It's almost like he's gone..."

I know exactly what Quistis is talking about. It's the way Seifer looked when I first saw him. Oh, that's the one little thing I didn't tell Rinoa. Ever. She doesn't know about Seifer staying with me. She doesn't even know if he's still alive, although they all occassionally hear of the 'Sorceress's Knight' being seen around the world.

The thing is, if Rinoa ever knew, I don't know what she'd do. Get mad maybe, for me not telling her. Or maybe she'd be happy... I don't really care to find out. Seifer's not ever going to come back. I guess I've kind of given up hope on him... after he left... well, things just got too hard.

Everything's been different since he disappeared again. I haven't seen him or heard from him since the day he left, and that was three months ago. I waited for him, hoping he'd come back and say, 'Surprise!' or something like that, but nope. He just vanished, like the 'Sorceress's Knight' that he once was.

Squall puts a hand on my shoulder and I look up. I guess I was zoning. "Are you alright?" he asks, his voice soft and deep. The same voice I remember from so long ago. His hair's a little grown out, but other than that, he looks the same.

I nod and smile. "Just wondering how it is that you lost another five pounds when you don't weigh anything to begin with, big boy!" He sports a little smile, but not much.

"I don't know. Zell eats all the hot dogs."

"I do not!" Zell insists, folding his arms across his chest. "You're a big fat LIAR!"

Figuring that Zell might go on and on for a while, I take the opportunity to go back to my room and relax. Maybe take a shower later, check out some of the stores in Balamb, and of course find out where Quistis put Tiara.

Rinoa and Quistis told me to send Tiara earlier, that way she would be here when I arrived. They promised that they'd take good care of her, so of course I agreed. She's getting bigger now, but not too big. Oh, she's just the cutest thing ever!

Oh, that's strange - my phone's ringing.

"Hello?"

No one answers.

"Hello?" I repeat.

Still no answer.

"... ... ... WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM!"

"... sorry..."

There's a click, and the line goes dead. That voice... it was so soft. So quiet. Definitely male. It couldn't have been... no. No no no. There's no possible way that it was... him.

But maybe...


	8. The pain is always here

**...leave it up to you...**

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**Chapter 7 : The pain is always here**

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_Seifer_

I can't take it anymore. Not having her with me hurts too much. I have to see her - I have to see them. All of them. Even... even Squall. I don't know why, but I know that it's the only thing I can do. There's just something wrong about not being with her.

Tamiel was the one person I could count on. She was the one person who would stand up for me when no one else would. She lost so much because of me, and the last thing I can do is as least tell her I'm sorry, face to face.

I don't know where she is. I don't know how I'll find out, either. She's not in Deling, though. Not anymore. All her stuff is gone. She must have moved out. I wonder where she lives now? Maybe she's in Esthar - no, she wouldn't be there. Maybe she's in Timber, or Fisherman's Horizon. Or she could have gone to the Shumi village or another Garden...

No matter what, I'll find her.

Right now, all I can think of is making the pain stop. And there are only a few ways that I can think of... No, I can't. I can't do this anymore!

I slam my fist into the wall and several people look over at me. No one would even consider that I was the 'Sorceress' Knight', except for the fact that I carry my gunblade around. Then it's obvious. My reputation preceeds me. I've given up being Seifer Almasy. Hyne, I don't know who I am.

Just look at me. I look so... different: baggy black pants; longsleeved, fishnetted shirt; this dark brown, leather jacket. Old and worn out - that's what I look like. I'll never amount to anything. I lost all the hope I had when I let myself get beat. At least then, I had a little control, a little power.

Now I've got nothing.

"All abord the train to Balamb!"

Balamb... Balamb... Garden? Balamb... Garden? That must be where Tam went. There's nowhere else she would go. She'd go to Rinoa and all of them back at Garden. Somewhere that she was safe; somewhere she felt like she mattered.

I guess that's where I'm going.

"Hey, wait up," I call. The man looks at me and arches a brow. Particularly because of my gunblade. "I wanna get a ticket for the train."

"One-way or two?"

That's easy. One. I don't plan on... nevermind.

"One," I inform him. He nods and prints up a ticket.

"That'll be 500 Gil."

500! ... well, I guess that's fair. It's my one-way ticket to the end. Funny... I'm not scared anymore. I'm not scared of anything. Probably because I don't have anything else to lose. I've lost everything ever important to me. Sometimes I wonder what things would have been like if I hadn't joined with Ultimecia.

Different, very different. But then again, I wouldn't have learned anything about life. I don't know what's worse - living in bliss not worrying about anything but never knowing anything, or living with pain but understanding the world and that what happens happens. I guess neither. Who really knows? ... Who really cares?

I'm on the train, and they say that it's going to be a couple hours before I get to Balamb. That's fine with me. I'm not sure if it's worse to sleep or think. The dreams are always unbearable. So much pain, so much death - and it's all because of me.

"--'scuse me," a young man mumbles after bumping into me as he tried to walk by. He looks at me to tip his cowboy hat, but in the process he stops just long enough for me to know he's staring. He recognizes me, but isn't quite sure if I am who he thinks I am.

I want to smack him, tell him to get on with his life, but I recognize him too. Irvine. Irvine... Kinneas? I never got to know him. I just know that he and Selphie have gotten really close - of course that came from Tamiel.

Are you going to move or keep on lookin' at your feet?

"... Something wrong?" I ask, not letting on that I know who he is, too.

"Well, sir, uh... you just... resemble... someone that my uh, female friend, uh, knows--knew, I mean. He went to Balamb Garden. I'm actually uh, headed there right now." He smiles nervously. He's probably scared that I'm going to stand up and slice his head off. Well, he shouldn't worry - I won't.

I shrug, glad that my gunblade is tucked away. He would definitely know who I am, if my baby was out. "Sorry, kid. This is my first time to Balamb. Wouldn't know the guy you're talking about."

Irvine nods. "Y-yeah... sorry to bother you." He continues walking, glancing once back at me.

As soon as he's gone I let out a long sigh and close my eyes. "Garden... I'm back."

* * *

To JadeAlmasy: Thanks for reviewing, and in Chapter 9 (give me a few days, lol) you will get your first Squall / Seifer encounter. 


	9. Can't leave it alone

**...leave it up to you...**

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**Chapter 8 : Can't leave it alone**

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**_Tamiel_

I don't know why I did it. I guess... that it's all I've got left of him. Now it's all I've got left, anyway. I'm sure that wherever he is, he's probably happy...

Fuck that. That's a load of bullshit. I know that he's not happy. He doesn't have anything. He hasn't dealt with anything. Why does he do it? Why can't he just accept that there are things that he can never change? It won't last forever - his pain. I don't think I'll ever let it go. I wish I could have done something more. I wanted to help him. I still do want to help him, but there's nothing I can do now.

I touch the tattoo on my left arm and smile, reminiscence on my lips. The red cross that was always on his jacket... Yeah, you'll be with me forever, Seifer. No matter what happens. I promise that you'll be remembered. I'll remember you. Forever, and longer.

Oh, there's Irvine. I promised Selphie that I'd meet him at the train station. I pull up my jacket to cover my arm

before I wave. He smiles at me, walking over with a bag thrown over his shoulder. He hasn't changed much at all. He looks like he's grown up a lot though, and I can see that wild fire in his eyes. He's different, but the same kid that helped save the world. He's not lonely anymore, though.

At that I smile, more of a grin though, really. He puts his bag down and gives me a hug.

"How are you?" I ask.

Irvine laughs and shakes his head. "Oh, just great. You know, the weirdest thing happened on the train."

I arch a brow. "And what was that, Irv?"

He scratches his head and frowns a bit. "Well, the last 'Sorceress's Knight' sighting was in Deling, and that wasn't too long ago. On the train, I saw this guy who looked like Seifer. The same hair, eyes, feel - you know, that vibe you get from Seifer. He said he'd never been to Balamb before...

"Heck, he even had the same scar. But there was something different about him. Like it couldn't have been Seifer. I don't know, kid. He's probably long gone from 'round these parts. Why would he want to come back, anyway?"

I bite my lip so hard it almost bleeds. Why now? Why is this happening? I was letting go... I was so close. But I don't want to say good-bye to Seifer. I don't want to leave it at just that.

"... I can't... do this..." I look up at Ivine with tears in my eyes. They threaten to spill over, but I keep them at bay. "Oh Hyne Irvine..."

He's worried now, I can tell. He doesn't understand. "What's wrong, Tamiel? Why are you upset? Was it something I said?"

"I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE!" I scream as I run away. I know he's watching me, but I don't care anymore. I have to leave everything behind me. Nothing matters anymore. Nothing!

There's nowhere for me to go, though. Shops, houses, the hotel... It won't help. I'm scared... I'm really scared. Someone help me, please. Someone, anyone... just help me.

"... You can't run away forever..."

Was that...?

I stop running slowly and turn around. Leaning against the outer wall of the Balamb Hotel is Seifer. He walks over to me and kisses the top of my head. "I don't want you to run away anymore."

Seifer's back. Seifer's back, and he's changed, but he's scaring me more than I scare myself. We're sitting at the dock, our legs dangling over, but I know that he's only here because he needs closure. Then he can go... peacefully? I don't know, but I don't think I can help him anymore...

"Are you okay?"

I nod once. "Yeah, Seifer."

"I knew you'd be here."

"Then Irvine did see you."

"Yeah."

I'm not going to bother asking why he didn't tell Irvine who he really was. I already know the answer - he doesn't want anyone to know yet. But he's going to go to Garden and reunite with everyone, make amends, and then he's going to...

Damnit, I can't even think it.

... ... ... But I know what's going to happen. It's by that look in his eyes. That look that he's on one final mission before... before...

"You already know."

I swallow hard. Yeah, I do, Seifer. "... Yeah..."

"Don't make it harder."

"Seifer..."

"No," he insists, looking at me now. "Do NOT make this harder. Hear me?" His voice is harsh, like we were never close at all. He doesn't care anymore. Not like he used to. And that's scary.

I want to cry, but I won't. I can't. If he's given up all hope on himself... then I've given up all hope on him too. He's not the person I met in Deling City, the one who was lost and afraid. He's not the boy I gave everything up for. He's not anything. He's not here for closure - this is his escape.

Taking a deep breath, I start calmly, "If you're going to leave everyone and everything, then you're a fucking coward, Almasy." He flinches. I never call him that. "And I will be here, and I'll let it happen, but I won't let it go. I can't let it go. You're not worth so little that no one is going to care. Because I care.

"But I can't stop you from doing anything. You've changed - you're a different person. You're not the Seifer that I would give anything to help. So I'll let you do whatever you want to. You're not someone I can control. Even if you were, I don't think I'd try to force you to stop yourself. This is your life. Do with it what you want."

* * *

A.N.: Next chapter's up, and it's a doozy. Hope you like, and there's more where that came from . 


	10. Beyond words

**...leave it up to you...**

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* * *

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**Chapter 9 : Beyond words**

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* * *

Seifer_

Here I am, in that secret spot in the Training Center. It's dark, and I've already 'reunited' with everyone. Quistis, Zell, Irvine, Selphie, Rinoa, and Squall. But it doesn't matter. It's not like we had much to talk about. Hugs, smiles, tears - they don't mean a damned thing.

What's that?

I turn around and there's Squall walking over. He knows I'm here. He walks over and stands next to me, not saying a word.

It's been five minutes since he got here. Still hasn't said a word. I guess I should say something.

"... Hey."

Yeah, that's all I've got.

Squall looks over and nods. I don't think he's going to say anything.

"... ... ..."

"... ... ..."

"... ... ..."

"... ... ... Why... didn't you come back?"

I'm shocked. He's talking to me, and it's not completely pointless. I guess that barrier we used to have just kinda disappeared. It's been so long since I've seen him. He's different. Really different.

I run a hand through my hair, then reply, "Why would I? I disgraced Balamb Garden and almost destroyed the world by helping Ultimecia."

"So?"

"So? So? SO?!" I almost shout. "I fucked up, Squall. I fucked up real bad. You expected me to come back and act like nothing ever happened? Everywhere I go I get looked at like I'm the scum of the earth. And guess what - I guess I am. I don't have anything left."

"You've got us."

Shut up, Squall. Just SHUT UP. I have you guys? Yeah, right.

"Listen," I say, now looking right at him. "You're the hero. You saved the world. You're the person everyone wants to be. Me? Well, I'm the bad guy. I fucked up real bad and I can't ever make up for it. I'm always going to be the person that everyone can blame. That's how it works."

He's not saying anything.

He's still not saying anything.

"... Do you remember when we were little, and you hit me with that stick really hard? On the beach?"

What are you talking about? I remember, but your point would be...?

"Yeah."

"Well, I was so mad that I just wanted to kill you. Kick you in the head or something; teach you a lesson about how to treat people. But I didn't do any of that. Why? ... Because I figured that if you felt bad enough on the inside to hit someone, you didn't need any more pain.

"So I just let it go. I knew how it felt to not be wanted. When Ellone left... I thought it was my fault. I thought she didn't want me anymore. But it wasn't my fault. Just like it's not your fault, Seifer."

... What am I supposed to say to that? Why are you being so nice to me, Squall? I'm not your friend. You're not my friend. We're enemies, remember? You're the hero, I'm the zero. Remember?

"Squall, this is the way things are," I say. "Nothing's going to change that."

Squall shakes his head. "Don't let them win. Don't let their ignorance beat you. You're stronger than that, Seifer. I know that."

"Squall, shut up."

"Maybe you should shut up for a while," he snaps. "Maybe you should shut up, look around you, and see how good you've got it."

I snort. "What do I have, huh? Tell me, Squally-boy, what do I have that's so great?"

"You've got friends. You've got people who care about you."

"I've got more who hate me. You were one of them."

"I've never hated you."

I snort once more. "All those practices where we almost killed each other - you're telling me that you never once really wanted to kill me?"

Squall shrugs. "I might have been angry, but I've never hated you Seifer."

"Okay, Squall, fine. You win. I've got it great. I've got everything I want. You happy now?" I ask sarcastically. Squall turns and frowns.

"That's not what this is about."

"Then what's it about, huh?"

Shrugging, Squall doesn't say anything. I prod and repeat,

"What's it about? Really, I wanna know."

Maybe I'm hoping he'll get mad. Maybe not. I'm not quite sure. I can't seem to press any of his buttons. It's like there's no way to make him mad. He's not a kid anymore. He's not going to get bullied, especially by me.

"Seifer..."

"What?" I ask, giving him a dirty look.

"... I missed you."

* * *

A.N.: Stay tuned for more SeiferXSquall drama! And thanks for reviewing! 


	11. An angel's help

**...leave it up to you...**

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**Chapter 10 : An angel's help**

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_Squall_

Rinoa laughs a little. "You said you missed him?" she asks. I nod. "And what did he say? Did he get mad, Squall?"

I really wish he had. Maybe that would have made things easier. But he didn't get mad. He didn't say anything. He just had this look of pure torture on his face and brushed past me, back to his room I guess. That was all. I don't know why I said that. It just seemed like the right thing to say.

And it was true.

"He just walked away."

"O-oh."

I shrug. "He's having it hard."

"And you're not?" Rinoa asks. She has a sparkle in her eye and pulls a strand of hair out of my head.

"Ouch."

"Yeah, ouch. It's nice to know you can feel again. It's different, having him back. It's like whatever was missing from Garden, is back. Seifer's irreplaceable. He's an important part of this place. I haven't lived here as long as you guys, but I know that it's true."

Grinning and bouncing up and down a bit she continues, "Seifer's a good guy. He's just like you, Squall. I don't know why or what exactly it is, but you and him are so similar!"

There's always something about Rinoa that's just... cute. She acts so young. I don't always know whether that's a good thing or a bad thing. Maybe it's both. Actually, I suppose it's both.

"Rinoa, you're not helping."

"Oh, oops! I'm sorry, Squall," she apologizes. I just shrug. "Anyway, Tamiel explained a lot about Seifer and where he's been. She said he stayed with her for seven months, then disappeared. He was the one who bought her Tiara."

"Tiara?" I repeat.

"Yep. Tiara. Her white chicobo."

"... Whatever."

Rinoa rolls her eyes. She hates when I say that. "So he's back now to make amends and things like that. It sure has taken him a long time to get here, though. I wonder why."

"He's depressed. He's angry. He's..."

"... scared. Most of all, he's scared," Tamiel says as she walks into the room and leans against the wall. "He won't stay for long. He just needs enough to know that he's completely closed things off here. Then he's gone forever."

Rinoa shakes her head. "No. He can't leave. He should stay here. We can help him; we can cheer him up, give him somewhere to call home."

"Rinoa..."

Rinoa ignores me and continues, "I don't want him to run away again."

"You can't stop him from doing anything."

"Yeah? Well... maybe you can! I mean, you two grew up together!" Rinoa exclaims, probably forming a plan in that little head of hers. Oh no, here we go. I don't want another one of her plans to even start forming. Those things are just BAD NEWS all around. Honestly, I don't know where she comes up with some of the things she does.

She's still thinking, too. Tamiel's just standing in the doorway shaking her head. "Rinoa, this isn't the time for games."

"I'm not playing games. I just want to make sure Seifer stays!"

Tamiel's starting to get mad. I wonder why she's so upset?

"He's not going to stay, alright?! As soon as he's done here, he's leaving forever! There's nothing you can do, I can do, or anyone else can do! If there was anything... I'd do it. But there's nothing left for him so he's not going to stay, okay?!" she screams. I can see her eyes filling with tears.

Before she starts crying she turns away and leaves, closing the door. I turn and stare at Rinoa, who has a very shocked look on her face. She shakes her head and puts her hands in her lap, staring down at them.

"Rinoa, are you alright?"

"I... wow. I didn't expect that."

"Neither did I."

"Is she mad at me?"

I shake my head. I doubt she's mad at you, Rinoa. I think she's hiding something. Not sure what, but definitely something. "No, I don't think so."

"Oh, okay."

"Just take it easy, Rinoa. Don't overwhelm either of them. They just got here."

Rinoa nods as she starts thinking again. She's obviously got an idea because she looks up at me and smiles. "I know!" Uh oh, what now? "Why don't try spending time with Seifer? Get him reacquainted with not just Balamb and Garden but everyone, especially yourself. I think you and Tamiel are the only chance we've got to keep Seifer here." Rinoa flashes me a huge smile and adds, "Please? You know it's true."

Yeah, I know it's true. That's the problem.


	12. Give it a chance

**...leave it up to you...**

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**Chapter 11 : Give it a chance**

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Quistis_

Squall really doesn't want to follow through with Rinoa's plan. Not that he doesn't want to help; I just don't think he's ready to accept failure on something like this, and Rinoa's plan is really iffy. I mean, we might lose Seifer forever if Squall can't get through to him. Tamiel, too.

Tamiel's cried so many times over Seifer since he's gotten here. It hurts to see her that upset. She and I never got to know each other as well as I would have liked, but regardless of that she's my friend and one of Rinoa's best friends. They both need to at least try to work with Rinoa's plan for Seifer.

"Quistis?"

I turn around and Zell's giving me a funny look. He's got a tray of hot dogs - oh Hyne, I think he's got a tray of all the hot dogs for the next week - and a salad, I think. Oh, that must be for me. He sits down and leans forward to kiss me, but I'm not in the mood.

"Well, if I didn't know any better I'd say you were thinking about Squall," Zell comments as he picks up a hot dog. As he puts it into his mouth I reply half-consciously,

"I am."

Zell chokes on the hot dog and I don't really notice until he spits it out. I stare at him, then shake my head and apologize profusely. "I'm so sorry, oh Hyne, are you alright Zell?'

He frowns and stands up after putting my salad in front of me. "Quis, you really know how to piss people off, yanno that?" He walks away with his hot dogs and I watch. And I don't do anything. I'm not doing anything. I just let him walk away from me without a word.

"... Quistis, why'd you let Zell just walk away?" I turn around and watch as Tamiel sits down next to me, a funny look on her face.

To tell the truth, I used to be jealous of her and Zell. They were always all over each other, hugging and smiling and fooling around. It just seemed okay for them since they were such good friends and Tamiel's only into girls. I was jealous because I wanted it to be like that with me and Zell but I'm not Tamiel, and I don't just run over to someone and jump into their arms. She, however, does.

"Quistis?" Tamiel repeats, frowning. I nod and answer,

"I didn't know what to do." Zell and I have only been going out for a few weeks; I don't know if Tamiel's even aware of that.

She picks a tomato off my salad and eats it, then asks, "He looked like he wanted a kiss. Are you guys really that close?"

I was right. She doesn't know we've been dating or seeing each other or whatever people call it. "Zell and I are... dating."

"O-oh. Really? I never knew you were interested in Zell," she said. "I mean, he's liked you since before Ultimecia tried to take over the world and all..."

I didn't know that. I didn't ever think he had feelings like that for me. I was always just his teacher, and he was always just my student. The only person I ever noticed was Squall... oh Hyne. That's what must have made him mad. Zell must think I still feel something for Squall since I just spent the whole morning with him and Rinoa.

Tamiel smiles and shrugs her shoulders. "Didn't know that, hmm?"

"N-no, I didn't."

"Well, he fell head-over-heels for ya a long time ago, but you always liked Squall and he was too afraid to say anything to you. Maybe you should find him and talk to him," she says. There's a twinkle in her eye and I know she's right. Zell doesn't have low self-esteem, but he's never thought of himself as something worth catching and keeping, relationship wise that is.

I stand up and nod. "You're right, Tam. I'm going to find him right now."

"Try his dorm room. And can I have your salad?"

Laughing, I nod. "Go ahead. I've got to make sure I don't lose someone very important to me."

I finally find Zell in the Infirmary. He's sitting over someone, but I can't tell who yet. It's... oh Hyne it's Rinoa. I run over and shove past a few students to get to them. Rinoa's eyes are closed and Zell's hot dogs have been left unattended on a counter.

"What happened?" I asked. Zell doesn't look up but replies,

"She was training and a T-Rexaur messed her up real bad. Irvine brought her in and went back to the Training Center to get some kind of herb or plant or something that's supposed to actually wake her up. I just don't want him to get back too soon in case she's still in pain."

I don't know what he means by pain. "Pain?"

Zell looks at me, then lifts up the sheet over her stomach. There's a huge gash across it and I have to look away. I've never seen Rinoa hurt so bad. There's so much blood and exposed skin...

I look for the trash can and fall to my knees, vomiting into it. I vomit again before someone hands me a tissue to wipe my mouth. I look over and Zell's kneeling next to me. "It's okay, I got sick too."


	13. Emotions are my enemy

**...leave it up to you...**

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**Chapter 12 : Emotions are my enemy**

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Seifer_

I just left Rinoa some flowers. I hope she's fine by the time I...

I just wish the best for her. And Squall was there by her side, too. He looked like he'd been crying. But I can't find any tears to cry. I know she'll be fine, even if there's a scar. I know that when she's up and moving again she'll hardly give a second thought to the fact that she got hurt.

... But my hurt is self-inflicted. My pain doesn't come from a monster, except the monster that is me. Tamiel's disappeared somewhere, and Zell and Quistis are spending some real, quality time together. I think Squall's still with Rinoa, and Irvine and Selphie are doing some errands at Fisherman's Horizon for Headmaster Cid.

I'm alone, and it doesn't hurt so much. Just as long as I kill my emotions. Emotions are my enemy. They make me weak, they make me hurt, and most of all...

"... they make me afraid..."

"What makes you afraid?"

I turn around and Squall's standing in the doorway. Fine. Let him stand there. I don't care anymore. My emotions are dead, and I can't feel. I don't feel _anything_ for you, Squall."Well?" he repeats. I hear him move and soon he's sitting on the bed next to me. I don't bother to look at him. "Tamiel's worried about you."

"She shouldn't be. She should forget about me," I tell him.

Of course, that's never good enough for Squall. He needs complete answers. He needs how's and why's and... and... and I don't care! I'm not going to care! Just get the fuck away from me Squall, just leave now while I still have some of my damned dignity left!

And he's still sitting here, next to me. The things I would do if he would just leave me be. Let me live my life in peace, Squall. You haunt my dreams, nightmares - whatever they are. I'm nothing because you're everything.

"Damn you," I curse at him. He turns his head to look at me and I can't help but look back. "You heard me, Squally-boy. Damn you. Damn you and everything that makes you so perfect."

"... What are you talking about, Seifer?" he asks.

You know what I'm talking about, Squall. I said it once, and I'll say it again. You are what makes me hate myself more every day. Each damned day that I exist, you're always there to be better, be more, be _something _that everyone loves, which makes me something that everyone hates.

But I could never say it out loud. I _would_ never say it out loud, because I don't need to make a situation right before I leave. So I'll just close my mouth and let it be.

"Seifer?"

I look away after I realize I'm staring. I didn't mean to do that. He touches my shoulder and I give him a strange look. He hesitates, but doesn't move his hand. "What?" I ask.

"... What did you think about for all those years you were gone?" he finally asks, taking his hand off my shoulder to fold his arms over his chest. "Did you think about what you had done, or wished you could change, or the people you left behind...? I mean, you were gone for so many years without a word."

I thought about how much better it would be if I was dead, Squall. That's the truth. "Just how much everything was changing." Simple. Blunt. And not the truth.

Squall 'hmm's and nods.

I feel like I've done this before. He hasn't said anything for a few minutes.

Oh, I think he's going to say something. It's only been... seven minutes. Must be a new record for him or something.

"Did you ever miss Garden?"

I glance at him, then nod. "Yeah. Sometimes." Not a lie.

"All of us?"

"Yeah." Not a lie.

"Me?"

"... ... Not really." A lie.

"Oh."

"That all?"

Squall shrugs. "If you want to lie to me, then yes."

Fuck you Squall. I'm not doing this. "Fine, then leave."

"You just admitted you lied."

I did no--yes, I did. "Shut up. I did not."

Squall smirks and turns to look at me. "Yes, you did."

I roll my eyes, then glare at him. "What's your point?"

"I know you're lying because every time you look at me, you look like you found something you lost."

What do you want me to say? That you fill the hole in my heart? Sorry, Squall; I'm really done with all of this. You can think whatever you want to, say whatever you want to, but it's over. In the end, what it all comes down to is--

"--What are you so afraid of?" he asks quietly, cutting off my thought. I watch him blankly, waiting for some kind of movement to hint at what he's feeling. Nothing. No movement, no nothing. It's just a question to him. So it should just be an answer to me, right?

"I'm not afraid of anything."

"Yes you are. You're scared of something. Tamiel was saying--"

"--Just shut up Squall. Tamiel doesn't know what she's talking about. She doesn't know anything about me and I don't care enough about her to ever let her know anything about me." A lie after a lie after a lie...

I hear a sniffle and look towards the door. Tamiel's standing there, a sad smile on her lips and a tear on her cheek. "Thanks, Seifer. It's nice to finally know... the truth..."


	14. Scattered pieces to place

**...leave it up to you...**

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**Chapter 13 : Scattered pieces to place**

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Squall_

Tamiel walks away from Seifer and I. Seifer stands to go after her, but something stops him. He sits back down, looks at me, and... is he going to cry?

"Seifer, are you--"

"--Don't talk, Squall," he chokes out. He storms to the door and slams his hand down on the close button, then slams his head against it. He's just kind of standing there now, not making a sound.

... Actually, I think he's sobbing. What am I supposed to do? I wish I could talk to Rinoa. She just knows how to get inside and tell me what I'm thinking, especially when I don't have a clue as to what's going on inside my head.

"Squall?" I look over at Seifer and he's still leaning against the door, but he's turned towards me. His eyes are red but he's not crying; not yet, anyway. "Why are you still here?"

A breakthrough, and without either Rinoa or Tamiel. Well, it was sort of because of Tamiel that he's actually talking, but that's not the point. I guess the point is that maybe, maybe he'll talk to me.

"Because..." I hesitate, afraid to say the wrong thing. No, the truth is the right thing. Seifer needs the truth, and he needs it now. "Because I care, Seifer... I care about you."

What the... Seifer? Oh Hyne... He's crying now. Tears are streaming down his face and I don't know if they're ever going to stop. He slides down against the door to a sitting position on the carpet, head tilted forward. Pulling his knees up, he wraps his arms around them.

Slowly, I walk over. He doesn't look up. I kneel in front of him and put a hand on his knee; that gets his attention. His eyes are so red now, and there's so much pain. I choke back my own tears, seeing him like this. I never thought I'd see Seifer break down...

"Seifer?" I ask. His eyes focus only on mine, and for a split second, it's like there's nothing else in the world but us: him with his pain, and me with mine.

He sobs a few times, trying to breathe. "Y...yeah?"

"Do you believe me?"

I don't know what he's going to say. I'm... scared, scared of what he'll say.

"... I... I lost a huge part of myself, with Ultimecia."

That's not answering the question, but Hyne, it's something.

He wipes his tears away with the sleeve of his jacket. It's not the one he used to wear, though; it's dark brown. "I guess I thought I found what was missing... from my life. But I was wrong, really wrong. Being with her, it made me eventually realize that the only thing I was missing was... was..."

Seifer stops and there are fresh tears. I bite the inside of my lip; what am I supposed to do? He's shaking now, and the sobs are harder; he's coughing, too. My hand is still on his knee, but I know it's not any comfort. He needs comfort now, more than anything. Am I just... I'm too scared to comfort him. Even now, I don't know what to do. No; Seifer deserves better than this. He deserves more than I can offer, and everyone knows it. But... I can try. I will try.

"Seifer, look at me."

... I don't know how much longer I can hold my tears back. His whole world is reflected in those blue eyes of his, and it's not a pretty world. Where my life started, his stopped. During the Ultimecia ordeal, I came in to who I am, while he was cast out, thrown aside. Even I didn't try to help him then. I didn't lie when I said I never hated him, because I never did, never have; but I never tried to help him.

It's too much. I put my arms around Seifer and pull him against me, cradling his head against my shoulder. He's always been taller than me, and he still is. That doesn't matter now, though. I don't know what matters right now. I don't care what matters.

"... Yeah," Seifer mumbles into my shoulder.

"What?" I ask. He puts his arms around me, and tightens them. I can feel his tears soaking into my shirt as new ones form in his eyes.

"Yeah," he repeats softly; it's almost so soft I can't hear him. "I believe you."

* * *

This chapter is dedicated to JadeAlmasy Dysis Raine for reviewing and being patient with me! Also Stellar Abyss for keeping me on the Chapter Alerts. Sorry for the long delay guys, but I'm back on track with chapters to post. Enjoy!! 


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